I’m actually nobody’s first choice and let me tell you how great that feels
Pretty heartbreaking. These beautiful and bright students deserve so much better. Above I included some of the photographs (there’s many more) of Black women who are students there because I think it’s important to point out how racism is not only impacting Whites’ perception of their intelligence but also how White people approach their appearance as well, in gender-specific ways. This is heartbreaking to me albeit not surprising. The myth that working hard = happy payoff is a fairy tale. Racism is ubiquitous.
I really wish them the best with their education and the ability to navigate these microaggressions and overt acts of racism. This stuff increases stereotype threat and impacts mental health and health which impacts performance. I want the best for them. Much love. ❤
wearing all black today to mourn the death of my motivation
Lately I have found myself shouting, “People are the fucking worst,” a little more than usual. Enough to the point where it made me take a step back and ask myself, Am I becoming that cynical?
Truth is, I dislike most people. Before you think I’m talking about you, I’m probably not. Most people that I surround myself with on a regular basis made the cut, so you’re safe. But I also think that most people believe that saying you “dislike” someone means you “hate” someone - and that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Remember when I wrote an entire book about going on hundreds of dates in a few months? Well, somewhere in there I made a dating analogy to a school lab partner. You know when the teacher would randomly pair you with some person in class that you weren’t friends with? Not that you particularly hated them, just that you had nothing in common with them enough to justify a friendship. You were nice enough to them and studied together and made the experiment work but in the hallway you never gave anything more than a head nod.
Weighing the thousands of meetings, dates, and interactions, I have come to realize that 10% of the people you meet are some of the worst humans in the world, 10% are some of the greatest people you will ever meet, and 80% are nice enough but will forever get the head nod.
Maybe that’s me being overly judgmental or jaded but it’s taken me decades to stop beating myself up trying to fit into what is expected of me on so many levels. I recently read something to the effect of, you spend your youth desperately trying to fit in and you spend adulthood desperately trying to stand out. And that was when I realized that I wasted so much of my life feeling unhappy because I couldn’t/didn’t live up to the standards of others. For better or worse, I simply wasn’t destined to to be ordinary. I have tried normality and it feels like wearing a heavy polyester suit at a long easter church mass with no air conditioning - I just can’t wait to get home and put on my emotional black band tshirt.
I can’t do a certain life. And sometimes I wish I could. I wish I could be happy with what makes other happy. I wish I could be content with what was normal, my life would be so much easier. But I can’t fake it. I have tried and I feel like tearing my face off for being so untrue to myself.
So I accept it. Me. And sometimes I walk down the street quietly loathing people, and I still give a respectable head nod. But most of the time I run toward that amazing 10% who make life tolerable and wonderful. I surround myself with equally self-loathing non-civilians who motivate me with their smiles and their unbridled enthusiasm for all things non-ordinary.
I wish I could say that this is the life I chose - but that would be a lie. Because if anything, I would have chosen the life with least resistance. But that’s not how things worked out and that’s fine. More than fine. Because I get to call you my friend.
Things that make everything better #christophergutierrez #keltiecolleen @deadxstop @keltieknight
Matt Smith could have been such a wonderful doctor… if Moffat hadn’t been writing the show.
woop there it is
|Song: The Oncoming Wave|
|Played: 2,512 times.|
# i swear to god if ONE person makes a comment # about ‘romantizing self hate’ # i will tear them in two with my little bunny fingers # i am not in the mood today # and im sick of this mentality # that saying ‘its okay you helped as much as you could for as long as they would let you’ # is the same thing as saying ‘you need other people to feel better’ # GUESS WHAT HAVING PEOPLE ACTUALLY HELPS WHO WOULDA THOUGHT # ‘u just gotta luv urself m8’ # lol i couldn’t DO THAT why do people make it sound like that’s easy # do you get how AWFUL tht is for kids who PHYSICALLY CANNOT # it’s like watching someone struggle to reach the top shelf # and instead of being like # ‘you might need help!’ # they’re like # ‘welcome to the reaL WORL MATE NOBODY IS GONNA KISS YOUR SHORTNESS THIS AINT A JOHN GREEN BOOK’ # THANKS FRIEND I DON’T KNOW WHAT LESSON YOU WERE TRYING TO TEACH ME # BUT NOW I STILL HAVE NOT REACHED WHAT I WAS TRYING TO # AND I FEEL KINDA SHITTIER # YOU COULD HAVE JUST GOTTEN ME A STOOL # ‘why didn’t you just get the stool yourself’ # BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE THE PHYSICAL STRENGTH TO CARRY THAT GODDAMN STOOL IT IS HARD ENOUGH GETTING OUT OF BED
you will one day meet someone
who can paint the stars from memory with
a tongue that can sing birds down from the
trees and a heart big enough to house
eternity, four chambers and so full of
love for every other person, four chambers
and so incredibly
they will hate themselves with a force
you will not be able to counter. they will
ruin their bodies and minds and hold
their souls hostage and you will watch
and try to scramble to knit their bones
back together and maybe it will work for
a little but it won’t work forever because
depression doesn’t care about love. self-hate doesn’t
listen to compliments. doubt doesn’t allow you
to pack it in boxes. anxiety will chew their skin
no matter how many times you chase it away.
the voices will come back, if not now, then
and maybe this feels like you’re stuck watching someone
self-destruct, but the truth is, even if their brain is ripping
them to shreds, even if depression doesn’t care: that kid
does. it might be loud in their head, but you’re the only
source of quietness. they might push you away but i
promise it’s only because they don’t think they deserve
such a good friend. come back. come back. come back
the truth is, if someone takes that final step, it’s not
your fault. i swear. they stayed as long as they could
because of you. they kept themselves here against
everything just because you kept giving them hope
and courage to fight.
because when everything suddenly lines up and it looks like
the only way out of this world is at the base of a gun, they
will count their cavalrymen, every one. they will count
their mother and father and sister and brother and they will
count you among the soldiers and they will stand your love
like a lion against the oncoming wave and they will say
“i’m not alone. tonight, i stay.”